| | June has been a big month for me. Not big as in My Aren't Big Things Happening, but big in the sense that I feel like I've been slapped about quite a lot.
No matter, it ends like all months end. It looks like the week or so ahead will be full of morning shifts. Sigh, I like morning shifts because I get out and can do things with the remains of the day, but I don't like them because they cramp my nights.
Also, it's been warm but not -unseasonably- so. Why do I keep waking up -stiflingly- hot? It's really uncomfortable!
And lastly I used some of the money my parents sent me for my birthday to redecorate my bathroom (the mats needed to be changed, they'd been around for two years and washing wasn't helping them anymore). I now have a green and gold 'thang' going on.
Okay I'm going to bed, I can barely see and I have to be up at five thirty tomorrow.
posted by Amber at 11:49 PM
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that was unexpected
| | So Logan showed up at my house (unannounced although we had vague plans to do something perhaps this evening), to tell me that we should no longer see one another. The fact that I might have been pregnant served as some sort of wake up call to him that he is not ready for a relationship right now. I think that's a fair representation of what he said. I hope so anyway.
And that hurts because it has essentially nothing to do with me. He was of the opinion that that was a good thing (there's nothing wrong with me, in otherwords it's a case of [everybody now] "It's Not You It's Me"), and while I can see how he might think that would provide comfort, it -really- doesn't. If it was that there was something about me he didn't like, then at least he'd be ending his relationship with me would -involve- me. I might as well be an abstract in this scenario, an anywoman:
R= G-F
where if G (the benefits of a girlfriend) minus F (fears of commitment and risk of children) is a negative number then R (which = Romance) is a no go.
Of course he didn't -say- any such thing to me, but he did tell me that I -did- factor in, but that I couldn't compensate for his nebulous fears (nebulous is my word, well not like I -own- it, you know what I mean).
There was only one saving grace to this whole debacle of a confrontation. As we were talking (and I was attempting to be reasonable) his eyes became overbright (you know like they do right before you cry), and that was what made it bearable. You see, no matter how cold and controlled he seemed, he -did- care, and that mattered more than all of the politic "I'm sorry"s that he uttered over the course of the conversation.
So, I suppose this means I'm single again.
Damnit.
posted by Amber at 7:19 PM
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Freewill
| | I read Freewill tonight (its a YA book by Chris Lynch) and it disturbed me.
It's written in second person.
So it's all about you, and you are also Will, and you're mentally ill... you may have killed some people, and if you didn't you feel responsible somehow. You're confused, and frankly confusing.
You know what it reminded me of?
Reading Faulkner, Quintin's story, specifically (the crazy young man on his last day of his first year of college [at least I think it's a year, it's how ever much college they could afford by selling the land]), that same fragmented filtered style of writing... only there's no distance between you and the writing, it's happening to -you-. Very disconcerting.
Alright I think I should wrap this up, my hamster is banging around in my kitchen and has been for the last twenty minutes or so..
posted by Amber at 12:42 AM
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gnik nus eht semoc ereh
| | So, in other news, in happy news.
Another month, still yerma (yay!). Also, I heard from Frank! who is alive and well and touring somewhere in San Diego. He also has a new girlfriend (he -thinks-), he told me if he had been anywhere near he would have gladly visited me on my birthday. I told him (very nicely) that that was very sweet and considerate of him, but probably would have made me want to shoot myself.
He understood (thank god).
I have tomorrow off, and then another string of morning shifts. I have dreams of drugging myself right after work tonight. Instead of going to bed at four thirty like I did this morning. I don't -like- going to sleep that late, I like two thirty, but my brain has been unwilling to turn off lately. I think it has to do with Ed staying up later, meaning we talk later, meaning it takes me longer to wind down (crochet, read for a bit). But I feel like such a wuss being the one on the West Coast to call it a night!
My PRIDE!
posted by Amber at 2:33 PM
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| | Argh, I HATE FIGHTING.
Why the hell am I doing so much of it lately?
It's my own fault, I suppose, I opened my big mouth when I should have just kept quiet. It's that sticky gray ground (sure lets mix our images up a little) where you don't agree with a friend's decision, should you just shut up, or say something? Of course, it's a sliding scale, if their decision is say, life threatening, then it's obvious: "No! Don't walk off that building!" But if it's something more ambiguous then it's harder. Because unasked for advice is never really received well, for example Katherine marrying her husband Joe, I thought it was a bad idea and a serious enough bad idea that I spoke up about it. She became "huffy" to put it mildly. So, what do you do if you don't fully support a decision your friend makes?
You keep your damn mouth shut, that's what you do. To do otherwise results in FIGHTING, and being called a hypocrite (although honestly who better to know that jumping off a building a bad idea than someone who jumped off?). Although, honestly the fact that your friend gets so upset with you is a hint that he/she/neuter is unsure of his/her/its decision anyway. But I'm digressing, because while I -wasn't- upset last night, -now- I'm irked, which is annoying.
SIGH
posted by Amber at 2:20 PM
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in which I mope
| | So, I'm 23 today.
And, um, yeah, that's about it. Logan came over last night and took me to the movies in lieu of a tangible gift, we saw 1408. And, it's actually pretty good (very good at making you jump, very very good). Nothing like the short story, but what can you do? (8, 8 ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE DEAD) He had school at six so he took off about half an hour ago.
Speaking of gifts, I didn't really get any, from anyone. My parents are sending me money to buy a desk chair... which has to be the most unexciting thing perhaps ever. Logan took me out, which was really nice... but wasn't a -gift- persay. Jacob is in utter pain and can barely get out of bed much less send me something. Sterling's still gone (In my foolish foolish heart I'm holding out for him having sent me a postcard... which won't happen)... and that taps everyone about out. My expectations are too high, I know that. It's not like I'm a little girl anymore and what I really want is easy for someone to pick up (my little ponies or a little camera or a model of the human skeleton). My wants are complex now and can't easily be satisfied anyway. Oh god, I'm whining. I shouldn't be whining today is -my- day. It just doesn't feel very special, it doesn't feel very special at -all-.
I think I'm going to go lie down and read for a while.
Maybe I'll have a better attitude when I get up.
posted by Amber at 2:10 PM
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birthday blues begone!
| | ...man, just when you think you have life figured out (and your conclusion is... it pretty much sucks) it goes and does something alltogether odd and amazing.
So, Internet, as you know, I've been upset about my birthday. Logan is working, Sterling is gone, Frank hasn't returned my calls, Ed is on the other side of the country, and visiting my parents makes the odds pretty good I'll spend the day in a -serious- fucking bummer.
However, I was facing that fact (okay okay I was facing it with poor grace and a half a plan), and was trying to salvage the weekend. I have Friday off, that's a good time to celebrate. However Logan had a camping trip... which he thought about bowing out on, and then decided (tonight) to go ahead anyway.
I took this with poor grace. In fact, my feelings were hurt really really badly. So I told him, which led to a fight (our first... yay?). But when I get mad, I get crazy verbal, and when Logan gets mad (apparently) he shuts down (over five minutes of silence)... which succeeded in making me -more- mad/crazy (rabias anyone?). Leading to him to signing off of AIM. So I called him, in hopes of releasing the anger, expecting fully to be thwarted by voicemail. I got -him- instead, and started voicing my feelings again.
Let's take a moment to think about how this conversation might have turned out.
(feel like Clue, this is the part where the title card says "Here's what -could- have happend")
...
Most of the likely solutions are pretty ugly, right?
(Here's what Really Happened)
He told me that he had planned to take the day (part of the day?) off work on my birthday to surprise me (and was, I think, upset at me for thinking he wouldn't do anything for my birthday). Hearing that really stopped all my rage right in it's tracks. I mean... that's a very sweet idea. Of course the only negative part about his plan is that it involves me feeling like crap all that weekend thinking he doesn't care/have time for me/whatever, intead of reveling in anticipation of spending my birthday with him. But, it's an incredibly sweet well intentioned -idea-, anyway.
posted by Amber at 10:11 PM
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| | I have been -so- prickly lately.
Everything irritates and all I -want- to do is be comfortable. To find the place where everything just fits and I can simply -be-.
If I were a cat, this would the spot in the house that's warm from the sun slanting through the window. Why isn't my life this easy?
I'm seeing Jacob on my birthday, which is the ONLY thing right now keeping that day from being a disaster (and it looks very much like it will be the ONLY thing I will be doing to celebrate... don't even get me started about that, I'll start frothing). Hinging my birthday happiness on Jacob really isn't a very safe be, but right now it's the only odds out there.
Okay I'm going to bed now
posted by Amber at 1:13 AM
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I don't usually do these things (I'm a liar)
| | | You Should Be A Cancer | 
What's good about you: you're incredibly kind, caring, and generous
What's bad about you: you can be too moody and impossible to understand
In love: you enjoy wining and dining the object of your affection
In friendship, you're: likely to depend on other friends for emotional support
Your ideal job: historian, marine biologist, or religious figure
Your sense of fashion: you dress to match your mood
You like to pig out on: classic home cooked meals, like mac and cheese |
Hey, how about that, I -am- a cancer, and I want to be a historian.
I find this encouraging.
Also man, I really like Hocus Pocus, Bette Middler is something else.
posted by Amber at 11:03 PM
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ramble
| | So, work was lame... let's move on.
Last night after work I went over to Logan's because I hadn't seen him in a while. However, it was not a romantic one on one, it was an invitation into a guys night (guys here being Logan, Gowan [he's an affable bear of a man], Chris [Logan's brother, who believes himself to be ghetto, but is actually redneck, and sweet in his way], and the guy sleeping on the floor [he proved to be Ricky]) So it was an evening of videogame watching, which isn't a bad thing, to me. They were playing some incarnation of Super Smash Brothers (the Internet implies that it can only be Melee, and I will accept that), and I spent most of the evening analyzing their various attack styles. Logan appears to be inordinately attracted to the cute (...anyone who makes a comment about how that might be related to him dating me is going to be glared at -so- hard), which probably makes it more annoying that he wins most of the time (and one game... he definitely threw in the name of communal goodwill). After everyone fell asleep Logan and I watched prerecorded Boston Legals (and this season's Scrubs which honestly I'm not crazy about. I think it would be like coming into the last season of NewsRadio, having not bonding with the characters. Which would make it hard to enjoy because now they're caricatures of themselves). I fell asleep a little before five am on his mother's bed (she's out of town for some reason). I woke up for the day (I assume it's for the day) at nine, which was sort of lame (Ricky the guy asleep on the floor had arisen and wanted to go home).
You know, I've realized that makeouts to me are a form of Pie (see previous entry about capitalized 'pie'). There are many forms of Pie, but makeouts is pretty clearly one of them (whats the last bad thing you experienced in makeouts? True you can make out with the wrong person, or say, in the wrong place. But the makeout itself is not bad... assuming you have someone competent, I suppose. Badly made pie is not Pie) I've had a bad week(ish), I'd really like some Pie. Of course, last night makeouts were not forthcoming... which is not unexpected, but lame none the less. I was not planning on them, I was just hoping. I find that when you stop hoping for makeouts when you go see your significant other you've wandered into the Familiarity territory (you know you're there when you start seeing sleep being more closely related to Pie than makeouts). Which can be good, I mean it's nice to be comfortable with someone.
But today, Father's day, I am awake too early (for me) and have just finished watching the last of What Lies Beneath, also known as The Movie Where Harrison Ford Takes for Fucking Ever To Die (I admit it's colloquial name is a bit chunky). Now Harrison Ford is, cinematically anyway, very tough to kill. Usually this is because he is fighting for the American Dream. But sometimes, he turns into... Nega-Ford (...look I've had crap sleep, lay off) and he's all evil and then that Never Say Die spirit needs to be broken. I mean, in this movie he's like 58 and he suffers what would have killed a mortal man many times over. Electrocuted, whonked on the head, stabbed, drowned. I think the only reason that he actually dies is because Michelle Pfeiffer doesn't try punching him. Attempting to beat the shit out of Harrison Ford only makes him stronger.
Okay, clearly I'm a little loopy (this is day three of my headache, which I think is currently sleeping. Unlike last night when it was like daggers through my -brain-). I think I shall lie down for a bit.
Hey, tomorrow's my day off!
posted by Amber at 9:32 AM
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so weak! (double meaning!)
| | Argh.
Have been feeling woozy/tired. I blame the heat, and my crap genetics.
And this music makes me happy. It might in fact be my theme song.
(for those keeping track at home I now have a theme song and a drunk song, you'll never find another love like mine by lou rawls).
Seriously that's all I've got today.
posted by Amber at 2:26 AM
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whiskey sours can be nice
| | So I went to go see my cousin Austin play tonight.
Of course he ended up not actually playing, but that's sort of irrelevant. Apparently this dive bar/grill place off the river (don't ask me which one, no one seemed to be able to answer that question and the river was... less than fifty yards away), has a blues jam all Tuesday and Sunday nights. It was pretty cool, totally a place Frank would dig... or perhaps would have dug. I mean, I've -been- to this bar before, without ever having been there. I knew all the types of people there, from the old bearded drunk guitarist to the skivvy looking biker fellows.
I did learn something fun, if you tip your bartender nicely, they'll pour you free drinks. Including tips I spent 20.00 and received five mixed drinks in return.
Nice, eh?
I hung out with Nikki, Austin's girlfriend. And it left me in a quandary. On one hand, she's very good for him, without her he'd be in a lot more trouble... like all the fuckin' time. On the other... she's a smart lady and she deserves a better life (a much better life) than she has now. I love my cousin, I love my cousin a lot, but he's two separate people, the drunken high asshole and the loveable scamp. The drunken asshole goes through money like water and is inclined to destroy shit (and hit people), he wrecks cars, and does nothing but be an utter bastard. She told me that she feels trapped and out of options (her parents kicked her out now that she's of age, and her car is totaled so she can't leave). I gave her my number and told her if she needed a place to stay to call me.
I'm not sure if I did right, I know this could blow up quite messily in my face.
But really, I -did- have a good evening.
posted by Amber at 2:32 AM
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mmm...
| | Man, I have a strange approach to pie.
Or rather, the idea of pie.
Let's call it Pie.
Pie to me is a reward, it's better than a Cookie. A Cookie is a sop, Pie is a reward -experience-. When you eat Pie (not pie) it's an extended event, you can savor it. Pie is something that you can have at the end of the Day, which makes the last part sweet. Does Pie fix everything? No, no it does not, but Pie makes the day at least okay. There can be no Pie of Saddness, that is wrong and against Reason.
I'm thinking of starting a religion.
posted by Amber at 4:14 PM
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another hard day without pie
| | a rough day at work
Have you noticed that I've been having a lot of them lately?
I know I have.
To compensate, I took a searing hot bath, then had a drink on the rocks (doesn't that sound badass? let's not tell anyone it was Whalers), and I watched a video. After this I'm going to bed to read for a while.
Here's what missing, a nice young man waiting for me with massage oil, who will listen to me complain about my day (making appropriately sympathetic noises) until I stop talking as my back is loosened.
Hell, he doesn't even have to be nice.
posted by Amber at 3:01 AM
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bleh
| | Gah, when I haven't been busy I've been bummered which has been -no- good. Not that being down is ever good, but you know. I went on a Bash-Amber kick last night (it sounds prissy, but I'm really mad at myself), and it was... politely listened to by Ed. Not too much one can do, I think, which is what makes everything so goddamned frustrating. I miss Sterling so -badly-. Not that he's be there with a solution to everything, or even be much good at helping me with emotional messes (the man is... poor with emotions, and that's being generous, but I love him anyway), but he's my closest friend, goddamnit! How dare he have a life? Sigh, I can't even get worked up about this, he's just -gone-. Gone, if not forever, at least long enough to -feel- like forever, and I know better than to expect him to send me a letter/postcard anything.
My birthday is coming up in two and a half weeks. I'm already thinking of myself as 23. Internet, I would expect a rant on that when the date comes closer.
Gah, I don't even know why I bothered to type this up, I'm sure I'll be feeling better tomorrow, or in five minutes. I'm like that lately.
posted by Amber at 3:21 PM
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| | Been spending my vacation productively!
Yesterday Logan and I drove to the Bay Area to see my parents. They got along really well (no surprise there). I tried to show him off to MommaDawn and Jacob, but alas everyone was out. I showed him Todos Santos, and told a lot of stories. Then we went back to my parents house watched tv with them, then Young Frankenstein after my mom went to bed, and my dad went to go draw. Then we stayed up whispering and quietly laughing in the living room for too long.
Today we went to San Francisco. We went to Chinatown; he'd never been. We just wandered about, saw some really awesome statues (this huge like six foot tusk carved into a dragon, and inside the dragon, it had see through scales, was a forest and village), and a whole bunch of tiny traditional style gowns for, apparently, wine bottles (for, I imagine, the discerning customer who... enjoys playing dress up with glass bottles). We ate at Chevys, and he indulged my desire to ride the glass elevators. Then we went back to my parents picked up the laundry, then back to my place for a while.
He's really irreverent, which is so very good, I can barely articulate it. You see, I -need- someone with the ability to makes me laugh at the ridiculousness of the world around us, or I would take everything faaar too seriously. I have such a good time with him (I always say that, but that doesn't make it any less true).
This really saved my vacation, really really really saved it.
posted by Amber at 12:22 AM
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That there, that's not me...I'm not here, this isn't happening
| | Oy,
Every now and again I run into something that I have no desire to talk about.
Last night was one of those somethings.
Everything is okay now, I suppose. I made a mistake, causing a friendship to end, and two vacations to be ruined.
But, amazingly, and in a way I don't think I deserve, it was forgiven. To receive such a gift, especially when one expects to be thrown out another's life, is awe inspiring. Of course, that didn't fix the ended friendship and the fact that I have three days off of work, and no houseguest. However, it made it bearable, more than bearable, it's really the thing that I cared the most about saving.
Don't ever let me take this man for granted, he's a good man (a kind man, and he's precious... cookies to anyone who knows what the fuck I'm talking about), and I'm so very lucky to be in his life.
posted by Amber at 4:52 PM
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| | Work was seriously -bleh- today.
But I don't want to think about that, instead I will think about this evening, when I had sandwiches and watched Boston Legal with my boyfriend.
Tomorrow I pick up Michael Yoho!
posted by Amber at 11:15 PM
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You've gotta hold her, don't squeeze her, never leave her. Try a little tenderness
| | Oy, had an un-fun day at work.
But, I don't want to talk about it, I'm talked out about it (crazy, I know, but I -can- be talked out on a subject).
I am reading In the Name of the Rose, which is a mystery novel in a monastary in 14th century Italy (at least I think it's Italy). It's very engaging, but I find myself taking my time with it.
The Altador cup is back, I couldn't participate last year because I was without reliable internet. I get to pick a team, and two 'teams' have a whole day to play a flash game ... I think it's against another neopian (not sure, though). I really suck at the game though, it's like soccer, and I'm just about as bad at the game as I am at soccer in real life. I'm a member of Mystery Island (all of the teams are named after Neopian lands, and I chose mystery island because... well it's where my 'neohome' is and I like that particular map the most). I'm sort of excited about it, but mostly I'm annoyed because it seems the Journey to the Lost Island plot is over, and it was... only half a plot! It had a "The End?" so maybe they're waiting for the cup to end.
Yeah, other than that. Michael Yoho is arriving on Tuesday afternoon, and tomorrow Logan comes over, we have plans to... essentially veg out together.
After work this week I think it will really be all I'm up for.
posted by Amber at 9:22 PM
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work woes
| | Oy, I had a hard day at work today.
I've been trying to tell people about it, but in general it seems like most people have had a hard day, and the intricate workings of my job neither interest anybody nor are easily or concisely explained.
On a regular day, 2,000 lbs of shipment is plenty, it's books enough to fill the carts and give shelvers something to do. Yesterday we got 4,000lbs which is -a lot-, we spent all this emptying out h-carts and v-carts trying to shelve it all. Which was a bitch, because kids takes -the longest- to shelve and there are only so many v-carts, so Krystal ended up carrying handfuls of books out from the back, only to try and shove them on our tiny h-cart, and then onto the floor. It was a huge ass mess, a large sprawling octapus of books in no particular order in stacks on the floor radiating from the h-cart out into the aisles. I've never seen it so bad, ever.
Here's the super best part.
We got in a 6,000lb shipment in today (Ross the receiving manager has never seen a shipment so big).
Of course Nenad won't finish it all.
I'm working tomorrow morning.
[SIGH]
posted by Amber at 5:59 PM
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