| | Hehe, I have like a week lull before the punches start again, and I am, instead of preparing, sitting around dazed. No seriously, school has totally drained me, I feel empty and sick. TodayI didn't go to my african history class (and I like that class) because I felt sick, and I skipped my english class to get some reading done for my mexican history discussion. Just run run run all day, come home crash, do work tomorrow then run all thursday, crash, work friday, work saturday (saturday night, film screening on campus, sterling [if you read this in a timely fashion] let me know if you're down, Lata and I are going), work, and then Monday I will vomit up my African History paper. I am trying to work in advance but with all my classes, man trying to stay afloat is really hard, getting ahead, is laughable. BUT (and as my 7th grade social studies teacher loved to say, "and this is a big butt"), I am doing okay. The 2 1/2 week crunch didn't kill me, either physically or gradewise. I managed (so far) one A, three B+s one B- (doesn't matter its pass/no pass) and a C (that stupid Film studies midterm killed me). Which is awesome, considering. So all I need now is my English essay back and my african history midterm, and I will have the final total. Frank tells me not to freak out, being as that my frantic I can't do everything effort netted me a B average on all my stuff (which I guess, says a lot about my standards), but honestly I don't know how to not freak out. I mean I can freak out less and freak out more, but not just not freak out.
You know, I had this nice metaphor last night about how I manage to get through life, it had to do with trees, but looking over it today when I had had a full nights sleep, it didn't make much sense. I think it stemmed (ignore the plant pun) from my mother telling me, when I was struggling and I was frustrated that both Frank and Sterling were unavailable, that I need to learn that sometimes you have to struggle alone. That burned me up, sure its true, but I think my mother has no idea how much I struggle alone all the damn time. I have a hard time needing anyone, trusting anyone, damn I struggle just to like people. I think this trait of mine leads to a bit of bipolar (ha...ha) behavior on my part in other words, when I let people in, they get all the way in, others don't get in at all. Frank told me that I can be more honest than is necessary, and I know Sterling (and my guy friends before him, Calen, Nate, Jacob, Michael Johnson) would probably agree. So when I need people, I probably need them more than I should... which is probably what my mother meant (although to be fair she could have put it nicer). If we're in the mood to be fair, its worth mentioning that I give of myself to my few friends often, I believe in that. I have listened, dispensed advice, driven over to someone's house at one am when they weren't feeling safe, I am (I would like to think) generally a good friend (I can think of a few times I haven't been a good friend, but no one is perfect, and that goes double for me). The only problem with having guy friends is that you can't say you love them (you know, like family. And I do, because I think friends are the family that you get to choose yourself, so of course you love them), because it becomes weird and uncomfortable (just like mentioning menstruation), which is too bad. I tell Katherine I love her and its no problem (she did cry that one time, but it was her wedding), if I told Sterling that, um, Irene would come to kick my ass (I still think I could take her).
I'm sure you're wondering, what the fuck does this have to do with trees, and nothing, which was why it was a crappy metaphor. On that note, goodnight.
PS I need to start catching the bus after my last class, walking home from campus at night makes me far too introspective, which I think is like philosophy in that its filled under the masturbatory mental activities category.
posted by Amber at 12:02 AM
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