| | Hrm...
So I found my lady Lata again (she's been in India, haven't heard from her since August). I also found her Xanga, and it's made me hideously speculative. You see, I like this woman, and I don't like women. The only person I've liked -since- Lata is Alura. Anyway, I like this woman, have liked her -forever- it seems. The thing I like most about her? She's the most intelligent woman I know, never egotistical about it, and she can put me in my place in one sentence without EVER being mean about it. And I need it for some reason I find myself saying the most idiotic/inane things around her.
But reading her Xanga I realized... I don't know her -at all-. Not like it turns out she eats little children live or anything, but I really know nothing about her. I consider(ed, I guess given the time) her one of my -best- friends, and yet, I think it's a one way street, I am not sure I'd be here without her, and yet, I am -no where near- the confidant she is (was?) to me. Never felt so insanely self-centered in my LIFE... kind of sick, too. ugh, this is starting an ugly chain of paranoia in my head. And it's all a little silly because even if it turns out I am the most hideously selfaborbed person IN THE WORLD... she seems to like me well enough, she's never told me to go to hell... or ever mention a single problem she's ever had with me (putting a stopper on -that- series of alarm bells), so I must have -some- redeeming features in her eyes (I can make her laugh). I can hear Ed, and he's accusing me of being black and white. And 'he' is right, I am. Also, this is probably a feeling of guilt I should have had oh two and a half years ago when I was -living- with her... you know, when I could have -done- something about it. Other than think, jesus I'm an idiot. And... while this may be true, not too much point in beating myself up now, except you know to say 'hey, don't do that again, eh?'
Okay I feel a little better... not much. I'm going to go take a bath.
posted by Amber at 12:57 AM
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