| | This post has been on my mind for a while, its not really related to much in specific. I am, at heart, an insecure and needy person... who compensates by being standoffish, yeah go figure. So, for me, the definition of a friend would be different. I always feel that I expect more out of people than they would naturally give, like any person that I like who likes me suddenly becomes, willingly or not my confidant and someone I count on and depend on. I don't have much gray area, I mean, there are "aquaintances" with whom one has pleasant conversation, but I don't really have a graduated system for friends, either you are in all the way in or your out. I would like to think that I put a lot of effort into the few friendships that I have (oh so few it seems lately), but I also am in constant fear that I am giving too much, that I am saying more than the other person wants to hear, that they don't really care about me on the level that I care about them. Case in point, Michael Johnson, for that one period in my life when we were both desparate and lonely, Michael was there. He gave me his undivided attention and, yes, love, he made me feel attractive and interesting without it ever being a romantic thing. However, once he got a girlfriend and I moved away, he didn't care really anymore, he stopped asking about my life, he never came to see me, clearly he wasn't interested. I mean, obviously he was a flake, but part of me thinks, did I put too much pressure on him, did I want too much from him? As if I didn't have enough to be paranoid about... sigh. I always feel in danger of burdening my friends, but I don't know any other way to be. Well, that's not true, I had a lot of friends in junior high/high school and I didn't really tell them much of anything, so really, I choose to be this way. I want something meaningful, not that it would have to be heavy and serious all of the time, or even most of the time, just the knowledge that it could be, if we needed it to be. Why can't I just be content to be, to experience, why must I always analyze, evaluate and obsess? Because I am Amber, and I know no other way to be. Goodnight then, I don't think I will solve anything by typing this, so it is futile (but I feel better, so then... is that masturbatory? Well, I suppose one could argue that masturbation has it's purpose and place... one am is a good place, and helping me go to sleep is a good purpose).
posted by Amber at 1:18 AM
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