| | Sigh. You know, I don't have that big of a dream in life, I want to marry have kids and one day run my own new/used bookstore. Argh, am in a snit over a realization... finding men that like to dance and want children (not now, god not now, just men that are not opposed to the concept of marriage and kids) is ridiculously hard in college (there are more required, but I can seem to find those qualities by dozens, its these that are hard) . Damnit, damnit, damnit! Damn my mother and her smugness, damn her eyes! "Mija, older men, men in their thirties, they can see settling down. Young men, no." Well I don't want to wait until I am thirty, I don't! This totally screws up my plan, it was simple: get into Davis, major in math, find out what you want to do with your life, find someone with whom you want to spend the rest of your life. I switched my damned major, I only have the vaguest clue what I want to do with my life and it looks like, (although a year can change everything so I've heard) I've struck out men wise in college. Almost started screaming at Sterling over IM (not his fault he is the way he is, I like the way he is honest!), restrained myself. I am continuing to replace mythos Sterling with reality sterling, I know real sterling is much more healthy and rounded... but mythos sterling had such a greater application to my life as a sort of ideal. Bleh, serves me right for idealizing anything! I'm not even mad at sterling... or even most men my age, just mad at frank for not wanting to be with me. How long am I going to be upset about this? My guess is four or five days out of the month for at least a few more months... Speaking of cycles... starting to fret about mine or rather its absence. Something is wrong with me (hell multiple things are wrong with me). Not going to think about it, but I am going to go take a bath.
PS considered injuring one of the kids I babysit today, (never got further than a malicious daydream, but still disturbing).
posted by Amber at 8:17 PM
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