| | | | | | Saturday, October 23, 2004 |
stewing
| | I refuse to apologize for this:
I feel like everything is blown and that everything is impossible and awful. Why? No reason, everything is fine, look around, I have shit due, but I am on top of it, (well not horrendously behind) but I don't feel that way. I almost cried today because a guy I know asked me to tell him what makes a good person (like I would even know the answer to that one), because he wanted me to fix his life. How could I fix his life when I feel like I don't even have my own under control, like at all. Things are fine with frank, everything is fine, but everything is going to hell too. My relationship is good, I'm doing things rather than stewing around, but here I am stewing around. Today I went out with Lata, all I did was entertain her, I hate that I do that shit. I was performing for her, telling her interesting things so she would think I am an interesting person, I am always doing that. I want to be interesting so badly I practically tap dance naked through rings of fire while reciting poetry... well metaphorically speaking anyway. Why do I post in Ed's blog, to be interesting, I want him to think I am witty and intelligent. I try so hard to be fascinating, I am always doing PR. Gar, at least I don't do that with Sterling, but in many ways he acts (willingly/unwillingly?) like a surrogate boyfriend. (one could argue that all my guy friends... since like, ever, do) I feel like I am being needy with him, I feel like I am being needy with Frank. Please please pay attention to me, love me. God what is this shit? I don't know... I started having the I wish I were dead fantasies again (which are different than the I want to kill myself fantasies... I think these are more common/healthy) since like Wednesday. I don't want to go in a downward spiral, I've been doing so good for a while now. I want to stop this... I feel like I have to do something. I'm sure this is all nonsense and boring you terribly, it will probably bore me terribly too when I feel better.
That is it, I am watching a movie... I hope its funny, because sad would be awful right now. Then I shall mentally pace for a while.
posted by Amber at 10:44 PM
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1 comments
1 Comments:
For one thing, you don't need to convince me you're witty and intelligent; you are, in fact, witty and intelligent, and I know this.
I wish I could think of something more comforting to add to that. I hate to see my friends all self-loathing like that.
You're a great person, Amber. I hope you feel better soon.
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