at the beach
| | Got back from the beach. I am not sure why we all felt compelled to go to the beach in SF to hold a bonfire but we did and it was awesome (it was also smokey sandy and shower-esq the rain kept misting). I realized I haven't eaten anything remotely heallthy all day. I wish I had more to say on this topic, but I don't and its late/early, so I shall be trundling off to bed. (trundle trundly trundle)
PS I hate my brace it makes my right arm feel especially stupid, and that arm is the smart arm. Its ruining my limb's self esteem (but it is fixing my nerve swolleness, it is doing that)!
PPS everyone is leaving this weekend, and my hands still smell smokey (no those are not related, give me a break its almost three thirty)
posted by Amber at 3:22 AM
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Par-tay
| | so, today was Pat's party (she's going away to Ghana). It was fun, kind of strange really (bible study people in the mix, two I know were nice, one was cute and the others were fine enough I guess). People there: Pat, me, Katrina, Bertha, Lata, Sterling, Marty, Jeff, Kevin Yuen, Manny, Vanessa, and Bible study people. A lot of food, soo nice to have so much food (it was pot luck, and damn we got lucky, ha ha). Bertha didn't stay very long (it was at our house, but she was studying, and still is I think), Sterling also had to go home early (not sure if he had too much fun, but I always love his company and his food was really good!) he has a math final at nine (good luck!). Talked to Kevin Yuen about films, its too bad he's leaving soon for Berkeley, because we've watched a lot of the same stuff (gave him my cigarettes, we had fun playing with them, they are such excellent props[I kept two just for that purpose]). After the party girl left, we went to Anna's to watch Trekkies, which was awesome, if a little too close to home at times. And now, I am here, pretty tired actually. I got my brace for my wrist, and I hate it (makes typing this really slow and hard), but I am sure it will help. Tomorrow is a bonfire at the beach. And now I am going to sleep.
Lata might be around for the party on saturday, maybe, Sterling is gone for the weekend, and Michael Johnson is still a flake (why do I even bother counting him, one might ask, well he says he will change and I give people too many chances).
posted by Amber at 12:44 AM
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scatterbrain
| | I can't seem to stomach macaroni and cheese any more and for some reason this makes me sad. (and now it makes me ill...bleh)
Why can't you sell a drunk a drink? I mean, I am not objecting to the policy, but it seems so... moral I found it strange. What does Safeway care? Are they afraid of being sued, that if this man dies of alcohol poisoning its their fault? Probably it, I can't see Safeway becoming all preachy and embracing family values, although they don't sell porn (as far as I know) so maybe they are. Isn't that a crazy thought? I never associate any grocery store with "family values" or even morality in general, its strange is all.
nothing much happened today, I got my hair evened out, I saw my mom, I took Pat to Woodland and back and my wrist still really really fucking hurts (I can't sleep well because of it). Sterling is busy with finals (so is Bertha I cut my hair tuesday night, and she didn't see me until she got home until early thursday morning), and Michael Johnson is still a flake. Frank still doesn't block me, but doesn't talk to me either, which is really annoying. I would block him, but I want to talk to him he is the one who isn't talking to me. Although on the upside, not worrying about what we, frank and I, are has taken at least one big worry off of my mind, and nature abhors a vacuum. Argh, I am going to sleep now, being awake is boring, especially when you have to use your left hand to work the mouse.
posted by Amber at 1:01 AM
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This just in: Amber is crazy
| | I love my new haircut, it is cute.. and in other news, yes I am crazy... very crazy actually:
no, I won't be misleading, 50% is neutral, above 50 is a positive result and below is a negative... so damn I seem to suffer from all of the eccentric personality disorders...
posted by Amber at 7:04 PM
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| | got depressed cut off my hair, smoked some cigarettes just for the effect (they are nasty and not a habit I want to pick up). That is all.
edit: things I have learned tonight, inorder to make the cool giddy effect of cigarettes work one must inhale... however, doing so made so sick that I vomited up brown shit. Thus endeth Amber's fantasy of being a badass through smoking... (probably for the best)
posted by Amber at 12:41 AM
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stupid housing search, making me depressed
| | This being tough sucks ass, I hate it. Its nearly the end of July, and I don't yet have a place to live, and its really freaking me out, sincerely bothering me. I want this shit settled and I want it settled now! I keep imagining myself spending fall quarter commuting from my parents house and it makes me so depressed I don't have the words to describe it. God, please don't let me go back, please please please. This would be the part where I go cry to Frank, but of course we're not talking so I have to be tough, and I hate it. I guess some part of me thought that once I had found frank I would never have to be tough like this again, because I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but of course, he doesn't feel the same... I can't believe I am tempted to cry about this, my god Frank and I broke up... at the end of March! (maybe not for real until early May, and I guess not entirely until a few weeks ago, but still its been time I can't be weepy like this) All I feel is alone, and potentially homeless... but mostly just alone. (stupid romantic comedies) I hate this vacation, all it is doing is making me more sad, at least when I had work to take up time, I didn't have to think about how essentially empty my life is. Argh I can't continue this, I need Kleenex and the counting crows.
posted by Amber at 5:14 PM
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rant on when harry met sally
| | Damn you Sterling! Damn you and damn you again for not being Billy Crystal, I would make an excellent Meg Ryan and I don't have all of that upkeep! Life is unfair and romantic comedies make it worse for continually bringing that up. Why did I do this to myself, no no lets shift the blame, why can't you just get with the program Sterling and become a handsome quirky guy who loves me for all of my personal quirks! hmm....well that is unfair of me and I don't think I would actually want that to happen, but damn you anyway and damn all of the handsome men in my life who haven't wanted me or wooed me in an appropriate romantic comedy fashion: Michael Johnson, Patrick Walker, Nathan Cormier, Aaron Peachman, Nick Tsurumoto, Ramsey Brown! Damn all of you! (Michael Yoho is not on this list, because he did try...) God, didn't any of you want me at all, even just a little, am I sexless to you? Yes, I know there is no correct answer to that, but I don't really care at this point, I am being irrational, but it doesn't change how I feel
PS I take Michael Johnson off the list, he's always flirted with me and made me feel attractive and loveable (sexy too), which is one of the reasons I love him and put up with his shit (like ignoring me!), everyone else stays on!
posted by Amber at 12:00 AM
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2 comments
neurotics unite, unless you really don't want to, which is fine
| | sigh, so here's a copy of the conversation I had today... (nothing is going on, argh I hate vacation it sucks):
sronelson: i hate it when you can't tell if someone wants you around or not.
Bluecricket2: oh I know, which is what drives me nuts about you...
sronelson: ....and what drives me nuts about irene.
sronelson: at times anyway
Bluecricket2: don't you feel like you're being too needy?
sronelson: you'd think that being as it annoys me, i'd fucking be more expressive =)
sronelson: yeah
Bluecricket2: you would... its crazy that we share the same insecurity.
Bluecricket2: why would we feel that people we like wouldn't want us around?
sronelson: because we're neurotic as hell?
sronelson: because we don't have a very high opinion of ourselves, and don't see why others might?
Bluecricket2: oh jesus, its waaay too early and we are too sober to be having this soul searching coversation
...
Bluecricket2: god, now I just feel naked... and not in the good way just the ugly florecent lights kind of way
sronelson: stupid soul-searching, i blame it, and not any faults we may or may not have.
Bluecricket2: good recovery
posted by Amber at 9:28 PM
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| | Well the day got better, but not great. My wrist hurts soooo badly I can't play on the computer (in fact typing this is a bitch, but I do it for you, I do it all for you). I'm feeling melancholy so I think its time for a song. This next little number goes out to Frank from Amber:
"Hello, how are you? Have you been alright, all these lonely lonely lonely nights. That's what I'd say, I'd tell you everything, if you'd pick up that telephone. Hey, how you feeling? Are you still the same? Don't you realize things that we did, we did were all for real, not a dream? I just can't believe its all faded out of view. Okay, guess no one's answering. Well can't you let it just ring a little longer longer longer? I'll just sit tight, through the shadows of the night, and let it ring for ever more. Oh, telephone line, give me some time, I'm living in twilight."
In other news (a biscut to anyone who actually recognized the song I just typed by the way), I went out to dinner with Pat and this physics grad student friend of her sisters. It was fun, not at all awkward like we both thought it would be, because it seemed like a sort of date, but we couldn't figure anything out for sure. God, you know how I've been bitching about how old I feel lately, I should just hang out with older people, because damn I felt like a kid. My roomates kept asking me if he was cute, but I couldn't even say, because he was a man, and I don't even notice if they are handsome, strange as that is (the fact that he and his roomate were tall probably added to that notion, because Pat and I are really short and they couldn't have been much older than 25). Sigh, you know what (on a completely different note)? I miss sex... and all of the trappings of a long term relationship too, of course, but yeah sex would be nice. Well, I guess I should probably wait until I'm done healing over Frank and all that.... bleh bleh bleh. (what's worse is all my friends [doesn't it sound like I have a lot?] are in long term relationships, and while I am happy for them, I wish they could suffer too, isn't that terrible?) Well, I am going to bed, this has been a waster of a day.
posted by Amber at 11:11 PM
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(danger sirens)
| | Well I feel the need to start some panic!
read this! Bleh well other than this, so far today is kind of sucky mostly just boring. My wrist really hurts, and I think its from computer use, but if I am not on the computer I know damn well I am going to be bored off of my ass. So, hey, I am sooo open to ideas right now for things to do, "no sympathy for the devil, keep that in mind." I'll probably post later, when something's actually happened (by the way Resevoir Dogs is an awesome movie, no question, but it is awfully short).
posted by Amber at 11:25 AM
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Neopets experience!
| | I just got back from Santa Rosa... damn its far where I went to check out the neopets mall tour. Well, it was interesting actually. I didn't meet any hot guys who play neopets there, I didn't see Borovan (maybe I did, not sure, he sounded british), nor did I meet anyone dressed as a neopet. Mostly it was a bunch of kids under the age of 12 who came to learn how to play Neopets (TCG). I learned how to play it too, and I designed a card for them (a Cherimoya... a fruit Chia), but I don't think I'll win anything. I also bought three CDs (Franz Ferdinand, ELO's greatest hits and Orgy's Candyass) and some cute earrings, so there goes the windfall I had come into, but whatever, money is fun to spend, especially when you know it isn't coming out of your food/rent/tuition fund. So, yeah it was geeky, and I am a geek, but it wasn't as geeky as I thought it was going to be. I'm going to go... do stuff (probably play ELO like crazy until everyone hates me)
PS I'm going to a party next Saturday... (just me and Katrinam, Bertha and Lata are going to their parent's houses! AHHH!) so I am looking for someone to accompany me, its not far, its the guys downstairs so if it totally sucks, I can just leave (and I could drink my ass off, but I won't).
posted by Amber at 5:37 PM
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Hootinany
| | So I just got back from Manny's get together. It was pretty cool all things considered. He fed us, but I ate before hand remembering that since I am a vegetarian, it would be better to be full. People there: Lata, Pat, Katrina, myself, Manny, Vanessa, Kevin (Yuen NOT Luther, Sterling and Irene. We played Pit and Scattergories, which were cool, even though I totally didn't come close to winning either of them. I had some brandy, because he offered, it was... gross, like brandy always is, but something about drinking alcohol out of a plastic yogurt cup just tickled me. So, subsequently I was buzzed for a while (I was the only one who drank), which may explain why I didn't win and why I laughed so much and so loudly. I guess to me a social gathering where people play games and have dinner is the ultimate place to have something to drink, and if one is drinking alone in a crowd... I don't think that is alcoholism. I talked to Irene, I made a conscious effort to do so, and it was fine (I mean it was idle party chatter, nothing meaningful), so I guess I feel less of a boyfriend stealing bitch (which is silly because no one could possibly steal Sterling against his will. The thought is ludicris, and so is the picture of me as a vamp.). I know I like her (me cai bien) so this is good. It felt a bit like highschool, you know the good part of highschool. These sort of gatherings are the ones I want to go to for the rest of my life (if that makes any sense), now all I need is the perfect game partener (and life partener) and I'll be set.
So, tomorrow, Santa Rosa and neopets (I took some shit for that tonight, but its okay because I know Sterling is just as sad if not more sad than I am. And if he says anything mean about it, he runs the risk of making me cry... hint hint). So yeah, I'll get to bed... sometime.
posted by Amber at 12:17 AM
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what the hell happened
| | well... that was weird. I went to take a nap at seven pm... and just woke up. Huh, well I guess my body threw a protest and didn't tell me. Anyhoo... (glancing around strangely) today was okay, except for the five hours I crashed. Nothing much happened, other than I saw the breakfast club for the first time, and as usual with 80s teen movies I am confused and disturbed. Why does molly ringwald end up with the criminal? (who later grows up to be Jack on Suddenly Susan!)That makes no sense, and once again, the geek gets no love, no love at all. Stupid 80s.
Hmm... well now that I am awake I guess I'll watch a movie then go back to bed. Creepy
posted by Amber at 12:10 AM
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its two am, do you know where Amber is?
| | holy mother of god, someone reads this! So um hey sterling, (ooh that's sad, giving a shout out in your blog). I can't sleep, I should have been to sleep... um three hours ago. Had an interesting conversation with Sterling in which I embarassed myself and called him fucking hot. Which is totally true and I stand by it 100% but it is still embarassing to say to a guy friend, I mean, jesus, comments like that will cause girlfriends to impose restrictions. And that is what worries me the most, more so than having him look at me like I am an idiot (Note to self: work on having something approaching a relationship with Irene... hmm that might be too ambitious, Revised note: talk to Irene without many akward pauses and idiotic moments). But I guess it went okay, I mean... maybe if I sit here and wait long enough sterling will open up... or I'll get cold waiting. whatever. I guess I just like him so much, I want to push and know that I can't. I must remember to keep Calen in mind (my incredibly sexy friend who would never tell me shit, even if I used really mean tactics, then spilled his guts to the ditzy blonde because she "understood"[read: fawned over him] him and I was threatening). God enough about sterling, it sounds like I have an obsession...
well, I think I am going to Manny's shindig (probably will be a hootinany) Friday, I talked Lata into going with me. I... like Manny, in small doses. Okay okay I feel socially obligated to be really really nice to him, but I wouldn't want to hang out with him (totally off topic: is "awesome" a dated phrase? Am I dated already?). Then Saturday... I am going to Santa Rosa mall... to go to a Neopets event (shut up! Like i had plans anyways). For some reason Katrina is really excited about me going, she wants me to take pictures, which leads me to believe she wants to gawk and isn't supporting my neopet life at all. (cough cough "bitch", damn I always wanted to do that in real life) I'm a little nervous... I mean I doubt celebrities are going to be there (like... featheralley or garet_jaxx or hrobi or jazz_invincible or zidane. Hey didn't you know the names at least of the popular people in your school, its the same thing here really, only with 100ks of players). I think the level of explaining I feel I have to do about neopets really shows how insecure I am as a player. Well it is two am, so I should go to sleep.
posted by Amber at 1:39 AM
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odds and ends
| | so yeah, today was a day and it wasn't bad so whoo hoo! Still really happy, and relatively headache free (not sure if its gone or I'm doing a damn good job of ignoring it). Did a me collage today at work (I was bored). I am wondering idly if sterling is ignoring me... probably not. My neopet is now a plushie grundo (he changed species and it was very expensive for me to do, but I love him). Sigh still looking for a place to live, starting to freak out again. I should go to bed now, I am very tired, but I can't seem to convince my mind to settle down.
PS I think its official the radio and I are back together after a two year break!
posted by Amber at 11:49 PM
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hmmm
| | I had a dream that people actually read and responded to this site... it was weird, not sure if I want a crowd of adoring fans (probably don't), but damn... am I talking to myself, and if so is that a bad thing?
posted by Amber at 7:42 PM
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I know I will be leaving here... with you!
| | damnit, I lost a post again! Well, I must be bipolar, no sane person could have their mood so altered by a song. "Take me out" by Franz Ferdinand is currently making me insanely deliriously happy (by the way I stood up my accupuncturist and no, I don't know why), like I am so seat bopping right now (my roomates will now hate this song too! MWHAHAHA). Excuse me while I disco strut around my room. I think I may need a man (there is no room in my room to dance, damnit!) so that I can stop these disturbing dreams involving my male friends (should one feel guilty for one's subconsciousness?). Oh, I soo don't want to date... I want a man to come up to me for a goddamned change (hell will freeze over first I know). Hmm... maybe I should exercise... so I can attract nerdy boys (men, right I want men not boys. Effeminant nerdy/geeky literate dancing men with long eyelashes and a sense of sillyness... all those available please feel free to contact on me!). No time for depression right now, must head bop cannot stop
posted by Amber at 6:35 PM
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argh
| | hmm I am really irked today, and I don't have a good explanation as to why... I wanted to talk to Frank today because I wanted some names of funk musicians to talk to michael about (he honestly said "I don't know anything about funk I don't like rap" like those two thoughts were connected) then I realized I couldn't and that really bugged me. Will I ever see him again? He said yes, but I don't know, I think he will forget me a lot sooner than I will him. He gets to replace this with the new exciting world of... well Reno, but I am stuck here. And then I have the whole "rest of my life" thingy to think about. hmm I will go watch fear and loathing...
accupuncture appointment tomorrow
posted by Amber at 9:13 PM
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Why I Hate Shopping
| | Oh bleh and bleh again. I went shopping today with my mother because none of my clothes fit, but what an ordeal. All I realized today is that my thighs must be abnormally large and that the only bras that will fit me will have to be ugly tents. I almost fit into my mothers clothes. I am not usually like this, in fact I was never like this until the doctor told me I was over weight last summer! Damn him! Now I could really use some incouragement, but my roomates, besides being absent are all little sticks so I couldn't take a damn thing they say seriously. The real sort of encouragement I need is from a guy, but the only guy who told me that he loved my body currently doesn't want to speak to me, so I am screwed (this is not a thing that Sterling or Michael could help with). My migraine hurts sooo damn bad and I was probably bitchy to Michael but argh. I need to get to sleep I don't have anything remotely positive to say.
posted by Amber at 11:59 PM
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filler
| | well... I am at my parent's house for the weekend, and its been... okay. I really really want to go home, but nothing horrendous has happened, yet. Went to my mother's uncle Ernie's wedding reception, but it was with the extended family, and so it kind of sucked. It was like every mexican shindig ever, Sabor a Mi played at least twice and so did La Bamba, except that they don't really like us, so it was quiet. I hung out with my dad after my mother left for work, which was okay, but we don't have much of anything to say to one another so it was a lot of quiet. Although for the record I would like to state that my parents are wonderful people that i love very much, I also feel compelled to add that I want to get the fuck away from them and everything family related.
I ran into Linda from my high school at the video store, she's doing okay, she married the guy we all thought was creepy, but apparently things are working out for her so... yay? I never have anything much to say to my old high school friends, most of us stopped really being friends when I was about 17, so no real connection has been maintained. Well I am soo goddamned tired, I am going to sleep, on the floor of my old room, which is now purple and girly and there is a purple plastic statue of the Virgin Mary that dispenses holy water. (nothing like Mexican Catholicism) So yeah I'll just lie here quietly and try not to stare at the fake rotary phone (which will hopefully do me the same courtesy).
PS. my migranes are back... bastard it all to hell
posted by Amber at 1:52 AM
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Donnie Darko: a night with sterling
| | So yeah, today went well... well okay I have a huge sunburn and I am trying to starve off the mental images of skin cancer, but other than that, it went well. I spent the evening with my friend Sterling, and he is just awesome, I like him so much I can't really describe it without sounding like I want in his pants (which, if this were an alternate universe, would have been interesting, but its not). I saw Donnie Darko, which I heard was really good, but I came out of it thinking that it was without the explanation (of the book the philosophy of time travel,which apparently you are just supposed to know) it was nonsensical but beautiful, and with the explanation was obvious. Well I am going to my parents house for the weekend... sigh. For now, to bed
posted by Amber at 2:09 AM
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a day no carrots would die
| | Hmm... well I am getting more hours finally at my work (my boss thought she was doing me a favor by giving me less). I am doing something with Sterling tomorrow, what I am not quite sure, but it will be something and it will be interesting, damnit. This is the third night in a row that as a house we have sat down at a table and talked for... hours, its nice and a little strange. Sigh, I want that goddamned plushie grundo morphing potion to turn my pet Solinari the wise into a plushie grundo (its sort of like a stuffed alien), but everyone keeps trying to rip me off. Oh well. So, yeah, I am going to sleep... soon I hope. I started having migraines again yesterday and today they were so bad that it felt like I was drunk, if that makes any sense at all. (as in thinking was an effort) Well goodnight then.
PS the golden carrot ends up not being a carrot statue or a statue at all really, its a fifty dollar cash prize.. bleh real life is boring, my imaginary world is soo much cooler
posted by Amber at 12:54 AM
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sleepy ramble
| | Godddamnit, why is it so hard to not talk to Jacob? Every day is such a struggle, nearly caved today...especially with this stupid him talking about me and the "good ol' days" making me want to talk to him... I am sooo tired I should have gone to sleep... at eleven. Sigh
posted by Amber at 12:52 AM
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Freddie the Safety Ferret!
| | Wow, I must have gotten a case of the summer sillies or something, but these last two evenings have been filled with flights of fantasy. My roomate Lata who is a cashier at a fancy shpancy grocery store, brought home a flier for the "golden carrot" award at her work. Its an award given to the most "safe" employee (unfortunatly you have to be nominated by your co-workers). So, then after an evening of imaging what one would have to do to earn a Golden Carrot (the best reason, other than a fantasy story involving talking rabbits a la Watership Down, was create a humane way to save vegetable gardens from rabbits such as a suction tube like those that transport interoffice mail that transports rabbits to another field.) we had one today of how to get Lata to win the Golden Carrot. We decided she needed a mascot, Freddie the Safety Ferret (rhymes with Golden Carrot), who would be a friend of ours, who would pose for pics outside of the store and give away vote for lata stickers. And, we would each in turn hijack the PA system in the grocery store and make pro-Lata announcements, and then she would come in and safely remove us from the store, in fact they would name the procedure after her. I think this is proof that we have way too much time on our hands, but I kind of like it that way (its better than being busy out of our minds).
posted by Amber at 11:16 PM
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Unexpected!
| | hehehe. The person who came to look at the townhouse today was... Jilan Badri (Bhadri?)! I knew her in highschool she is a total sweetheart! She left senior year because her parents moved so I never heard from her again, but goddamn what a shock! So I did get some info from her, Janice tried to come back from Boston, but wasn't accepted! (poor Jan!) What the hell are the odds? I almost want to stay now, except that I know for a fact that she likes things... really really neat so no.
had a very nice conversation on the neoboards with older neopians (as in not 11 yearolds). They were fun... (still wary of getting attached). So yeah, was a decent day all around. Now I am going to go read, because I have a new book (two actually, 4 past midnight and the whitehouse years by Kissinger! so excited about reading that one)
posted by Amber at 10:14 PM
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Shakespeare was a hack!
| | well... I got an extra hour of work under my belt today, and damn won't that seven fifty come in handy (still cannot get over my shitty wages). Sigh, I called my mother yesterday, and she proceeded to tell me that I need to get back on my anti-depressants. I didn't have a good retort. Yes my life is very sad right now, I have fractional friends, the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with is leaving and doesn't even want to see me, I still don't have a place to live for next year, and the list could really go on and on. However, I don't feel the bonecrushing sadness I felt... in may april or march (or december, or september). I don't go to sleep wanting to kill myself but too tired to get out of bed and do it (suicidal urges versus general lethargy, argh which will win out). But, then again my mother doesn't really know it was that bad, so I don't have much to tell her, other than "no I am not going back on those." Which is true, I hated them they sucked out my soul (okay okay, they made everything kind of blah, but being dramatic is part of my soul), and I gained weight and I hated them so nuh! She's irritated that I am willing to just wait out this summer before things get better. I don't know why it bugs her, I am the one who has to live it. I guess for me, I've done this before and its not so bad, I mean it sucks, no doubt about it, but it isn't so bad. I am doing something with Sterling on Friday (who knows what? probably not taking over the world, but I can dream can't I?), its not like I am not trying. So a pox on both your houses.
Hmm... I am going to go play neopets
posted by Amber at 4:56 PM
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| | today was a waste of a day. I had a nice long blog entry about neopets, but I accidentally closed the window, and I am too tired to retype it. goodnight
posted by Amber at 12:10 AM
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Can't Hardly Wait
| | oh Jesus, tell me why I do this to myself? I saw Can't Hardly Wait, again, and I became so upset by the end. Basically it was another pity party in why can't my life be like this? Have I honestly gone back to Junior High? "I do believe in fate, but sometimes it just works in fucked up ways." Why do I buy into tripe like this? I know there is no one evening in which everything changes and fate works its magic, but God knows I hope for it. I set myself up, I know this.
So I went and talked to Bertha about it (can you imagine?) and we had a heart to heart, in which she told me that I need to stop hanging out with guys who end up making out with me, and that I need to see new people. I didn't want to tell her that was why I was moving out, but I think it was understood. So yeah, my friends right now, the ones I have left are not very good. Argh, I am so dissapointed with college, it has not lived up to the hype, I have one year left and it had better damn well be good. Oh, as a minor note, I do not want to go out with Kevin Luther ever again.
I am going to watch a movie, I can't take all of this right now
posted by Amber at 12:13 AM
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dancing yay!
| | so yeah, I went dancing. I went to the Rage in Sacramento with Kevin. It was, not what I expected. He didn't like dancing with me, so he ditched me as soon as possible for some girl. It made me very conflicted, see I am not interested in him, but I did invite him/ drive him, so doesn't that make him my date? He barely spent any time with me all night, instead hanging out with Jasmine (her name). I'm all for him hooking up, but I brought him to keep the flies off of me, and in that respect he failed! They only had one techno set (well we did leave at one am, my feet hurt and I was fucking sick to death of being ignored), but it was good. (Kevin looks like a dork dancing to techno) I had some guy ask me to dance at the end of the night, and for some reason since he introduced himself and asked me nicely, I thought that meant he wasn't going to paw me on the floor, haha silly Amber. He started really rubbing himself all over me and then (reeking of pot mind you) he started to grunt in my ear and then licked it (like this display was really going to turn me on). I left, looking for Kevin. There was a nice older guy (techno dancer) who tried to get me on the floor, but I really wanted to go home by then so I turned him down nicely. So I spent an hour at Kevin's talking... he's a nice enough guy, but for some reason I don't feel I click with him even as a friend. But hey, at least tonight I got out. I am off to sleep, because I am fucking exhausted.
posted by Amber at 3:36 AM
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8 1/2 amongst other things
| | Today was a day, not unlike other days. News about Kevin Luther: he called last night, not really apologetic at all, in fact he was damned pissed. Apparently he had to work last Friday and thought that he had made it perfectly clear that it was this Friday that he meant. I read to him from his email, which intimated that it was last Friday he specified. Then he said that he had sent that before coming to my party, to which I read him the first line of his email "Happy Birthday! I enjoyed surprising you at your party." He then apologized, but not profusely, grudgingly would be a better word. God, I hate it when men lie! So, we're going out to dinner and then dancing tomorrow, apparently, I have him pinned to a day and a time (Friday the 9th, his place 8pm). I am really not expecting much (I can't take being stood up again, all the energy I spent crying really could have been spent in more useful endeavors).
I saw 8 1/2 by Fellini...it was, existential? I don't know, it was good I guess, but I wouldn't want to see it again. It was like... Faulkner really.
So Robert Gower cancelled our dinner date today (there is either something freaky going on with my answering machine, or he is a jerk because I received no such phone call) and I had a bit of a tiff with Frank (I don't know why we talk online, we only seem to fight). I don't have anything to wear to dancing tomorrow, no money for laundry or for new clothes... sigh. Well I am off to neopets, I have a baby paintbrush I am trying to sell.
posted by Amber at 10:29 PM
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Jacob's birthday...sigh
| | work was work was work. I can't say that much has changed since yesterday. Still sad about Frank leaving. I keep wavering between being in denial and being depressed. I know its a good thing, for all involved really, but I can't get my heart to believe that. This next school year will be one of change (god I hope, if things keep going this way... well I can't take the thought of that), but this summer is an interim. Not unlike the summer before college... bleh I thought things were moving forward not in circles. Maybe they are moving in spirals, ascending spirals I hope.
Perhaps I need to expect less from people, then maybe they'd dissapoint me less often. Friends are really hard to find, good ones that is. I wonder why that is. (is that an actual question or a rhetorical one?) I have had too much free time to think these things over, what I have come up with is disturbing. I put in waaay more effort into all of my friendships than what I get out of them. Case in point, Michael Johnson, (haha mike you are in here now!)I love this dork, but since he got a girl he hasn't seen me and can barely keep basic facts about my life straight (meanwhile I counsel him all the time, which is something I don't mind doing, but reciprocation would be nice). So yeah Michael Johnson has promised to actually see me... I am not holding my breath, he also said he would come for my birthday, and numerous other times before that.
My roomates are out... playing croquet?! I don't get it... i will maybe meet up with Frank, definently return my videos and then either watch movies or... play neopets all night, lurking in the chatboards. Its like I can't commit to neopets enough to talk to many people.. but I can't seem to stop playing. I want a plushie grundo, and a daragan zafara and an island uni (or maybe an island ixi), I also want avatars. But restocking (stiting infront of the computer with a watch with a second hand on it waiting for the neopian stores to refill) is a level I can't be okay with, yet. So I play games... for a measely ten k a day.
posted by Amber at 6:08 PM
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monkey chips!
| | well, today was uneventful. Looking for housing is stressful... but I can't stay where I am. I heard the violent fems on the way home from work, it made me really happy for some reason. Suddenly I was transported back into Katherine's car, flying down the freeway over 100mph headed for Hollywood, crappy speakers blasting, gagging on cigarette smoke, feeling dissasociated because of the allegry medication. I can't believe I am already glorifying my "teenage years", jesus you turn twenty and suddenly you become nostalgic. Realizing that junior high (really 13-16) were the best years of my life so far was enough to make me want to shoot myself.
Jacob's birthday is tomorrow... argh! I am not sure how much longer I can hold out, I feel like everyday I am going to cave and call him up. How dumb bitch is that? As if it weren't bad enough I stayed with him when he made me cry all the time. Even after we broke up, I took his shit for another two years. He is not a good friend, he makes me cry on purpose everything is always a grudge match. I am not even sure he is a good person sometimes, but no matter how many times I tell myself this, I still want to call him. I worry that Jenna (his current girlfriend) has the same Jacob sickness that I do ("the more you suffer the more it shows you really care. Right? yeah"), but I can't talk to her, I know she blames me. Goddamn he'll be 18, oh now I really am old.
Kevin hasn't emailed me back, which either confirms that his internet is down, or that he is an asshole, not sure yet, but it does confirm something I know this. Not sure why I bother, I guess I just want to go out, and as much fun/wonderful as Sterling is (and he is really a fantastic guy), he's so totally taken (practically married), so I just feel like a potential homewrecker going out on pseudo dates with him. Well.. its fucking hot I am going to take a bath and then maybe watch a movie.
posted by Amber at 5:53 PM
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| | Okay good, introduction is over, now on with the show. This weekend was terrible, I thought it was going to be wonderful, and perhaps that was my mistake. I was going to go dancing with Kevin Friday and then spend Sunday with my favorite cousin, watching his band play at a block party. But instead, I got stood up by Kevin (I'm sure he has a damn good excuse) and my favorite cousin Austin(he's 17) was a complete and utter asshole to me. He used my car, my cel phone and my money and spent the whole day with his friends. I toted a bunch of teenagers around so that they could go get drunk, which I guess I don't object to, but I don't know I wish there was some sort of pretense to it, like watch movies and get drunk or play a game and get drunk, not just hang out in a park and get drunk. I found out my cousin is a violent drunk who then started throwing things around his room/garage and cussing at everyone, and I walked in on his friend Clay and this girl in a compromising position (he's 15, he later tried to hit on me, and conveniently kept rolling onto me while we slept on grungy mattresses). I went over to Franks after I got back to have a good cry. Jesus, I remember when 4th of July meant something to me... back when I was 17. Is this part of the getting older thing? Isn't it bad enough that my birthday and Christmas are ruined, must age take away 4th of July too? (melodramatic hand gesture).
Well, I am going to go play neopets (which means play the games until I have 10,000np and then lurk on the chatboards) until 11 so I can be alert for another week of work.
posted by Amber at 7:37 PM
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intro, as it were
| | hmm... well alright I am trying this out. Beginnings are so awkward, you know? Especially since I hate icebreakers (hi, my name is Amber and I wish I was ambidextrous). Basically I am doing this in order to keep a better handle on my thoughts. I used to keep a diary, but for some reason halfway through high school I stopped. I can't think of anything else I would like to say right now, but I know that I will type more later.
posted by Amber at 7:07 PM
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